partying rant

So last night I got really messed up (didn't puke!). All within an hour I smoked a bowl and drank three beers. Then an hour later had another beer and two shots of... something. I was at Cafe Nine to see Tyler Trudeau Attempt, though I didn't see them. I don't even remember leaving Cafe Nine. I vaguely remember walking with Sara to Cody's Diner down near Ikea. Austin and Mordecai were there at Cafe Nine. Dan was there but not because he was having some attention deficit problems. All I remember of the night was me talking, things coming out of my mouth that I could not control. I don't even remember if I said everything that I think I said, or think that I just thought (?). I mean, this has happened plenty of times before, but, it was at college, and things like that just didn't matter, you were allowed to be stupid and loud and drunk and nobody (relatively) gave a fuck because they were doing the same thing. And now when I'm like that I just feel guilty and sorry for all my friends that had to deal with me. Is it worth it? I mean I feel like I had a great time, but who the hell knows. I could have been just a big huge embarrassment. When I get that fucked up I have no control over my secrets; whatever I keep to myself on purpose because it has no place in any body else's life, just pours out. Like I have too many secrets (I never really thought I did), and getting fucked up is like opening the door. No matter how few, they just come out. No matter how transitory the feeling, it's there. I wouldn't mind so much if everyone else was acting retarded too, but, I feel like I'm always in it alone. Am I really getting too old for this shit? I just feel guilty after a night like last night.

And was I really bragging about my job, moving a $35000 painting? ::cringes:: that's the worst...